Funny Halloween Quotes – Top Halloween Jokes and Quotes that Will Make You Laugh

Are you looking for halloween quotes and jokes?

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Here we share several beautiful and funny quotes for halloween.

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Funny Halloween Quotes

I’m not cleaning this week. I’m going to tell everyone the dust & cob webs are part of the Halloween decorations!

Next time a stranger talks to me when I am alone, I will just look at him shocked and just whisper quietly “You can see me?”

Thanks Halloween candy. My muffin to is now a pumpkin roll.

For Halloween I’ve decided the easiest thing to do is give up caffeine. If that doesn’t scare the hell out of everyone around me, nothing will.

Every Halloween I pretend to be the same thing… not at home.

What really scares me at halloween is knowing that all the family holidays are coming up.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cackle maniacally and people back away from you slowly.

National Eat Your Kid’s Halloween Candy After They Go To Bed Day.

If you were a ghost you would still be my boo.

The only thing we have to fear is FEAR itself… and spiders.

If you are reading this, then you are blissfully unaware of what is creeping up behind you.

Last Halloween was bad for me. I got beat up, I went to a party dressed as a piñata.

Jim Samuels

Vampires sleep all day, fly wherever they want for free, and can’t see themselves in a mirror. Where do i sign?

For Halloween you should go as the person you claim to be on Facebook.

Violets are blue, your blood is red, your window was open, I’m under your bed.

Football season? Don’t be silly, darling. It’s halloween season.

Witches are just princesses with PMS, but after menopause the only spells they have are HOT ones…

Why did the monster eat the light bulb?
Because he needed a light snack!

All these ghosts and I still can’t find a boo…

Why didn’t the skeleton go to see the scary movie?
– He didn’t have the guts!

I’ll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.


If the shoe fits, make sure to get a hat and a broom to match.

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts. At night, I’m a little more open-minded.

Finally! I can ride my broom and no one asks questions.. Happy Halloween!

There are three things I’ve learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin.

At this point, my blood type is Pumpkin Spice.

If one door closes, and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.

Happy Halloween! Time to carve out the pumpkin, bring out the candies and let’s get sugar high.

When Halloween is here the monsters appear and the candies disappear.

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, ‘Never take candy from strangers.’ And then they dressed me up and said, ‘Go beg for it.’ I didn’t know what to do! I’d knock on people’s doors and go, ‘Trick or treat…No, thank you.

Rita Rudner

Look, there’s no metaphysics on earth like chocolates.

Fernando Pessoa

There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.”

Jean Baudrillard

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Rodney Dangerfield

I think if human beings had genuine courage, they’d wear their costumes every day of the year, not just on Halloween. Wouldn’t life be more interesting that way? And now that I think about it, why the heck don’t they? Who made the rule that everybody has to dress like sheep 364 days of the year? Think of all the people you’d meet if they were in costume every day. People would be so much easier to talk to—like talking to dogs.

Douglas Coupland, “The Gum Thief

Dear Great Pumpkin, Halloween is now only a few days away. Children all over the world await you coming. When you rise out of the pumpkin patch that night, please remember I am your most loyal follower. Have a nice trip. Don’t forget to take out flight insurance.

Linus from Charles M. Schulz’s “The Complete Peanuts, Vol. 6: 1961-1962

Every day is Halloween, isn’t it? For some of us.

Tim Burton

The witches fly
Across the sky,
The owls go, ‘Who? Who? Who?’
The black cats yowl
And green ghosts howl,
‘Scary Halloween to you!'”

Nina Willis Walter

From ghoulies and ghosties and long-leggedy beasties and things that go bump in the night, Good Lord, deliver us!

Scottish Saying

Nothing on Earth so beautiful as the final haul on Halloween night.

Steve Almond

Halloween is huge in my house and we really get into the ‘spirits’ of things.

Dee Snider

This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.

Conan O’Brien

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

George Carlin.

I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself than be crowded on a velvet cushion.

Henry David Thoreau

Conservatives understand Halloween, liberals only understand Christmas. If you want to control a population, don’t give it social services, give it a scary adversary.

Tom Robbins, “Skinny Legs and All”

I see my face in the mirror and go, ‘I’m a Halloween costume? That’s what they think of me?

Drew Carey

A person should always choose a costume which is in direct contrast to her own personality.

Lucy Van Pelt, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”

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