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Here we share several funny quotes that surely will make you laugh.
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Funny Quotes
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names.
Demitri Martin
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A. A. Milne
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
Dalai Lama
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
Abraham Lincoln
Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.
Ralph Bus
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
Albert Einstein
At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Ann Landers
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
Ashleigh Brilliant
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.
Claude Pepper
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.
Bob Thaves
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Charles M. Schul
My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.
Sarah Silverman
Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.
Margaret Culkin Banning
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
Mark Twain
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Mark Twain
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
Mark Twain
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Agatha Christie
Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.
Mark Twain
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Steve MartinJ
Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar WildeZ
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
Stanley Randall
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”
Charles Wadsworth
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
Paul Fix
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
Why do people say “no offense” right before they’re about to offend you?
AnonymousT
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.
George Bernard Shaw
If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.
George Burns
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner
I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.
Scott Adams
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
Robin Williams
We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.
Robert Fulghum
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho Marx
Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
Oscar Wilde
I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
Thomas A. EdisonJ
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.
Oscar Levant
I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.
Si Robertson
A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
Walter Bagehot
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
David Letterman
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.
Will Ferrell
People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.
Zig Ziglar
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
Yogi Berra
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
Will Rogers
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.
Walter Matthau
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Steven Wright
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
Thomas A. Edison
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
Steven Wright
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
John Barrymore
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Bob Monkhouse
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.
heodore Roosevelt
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.
Steve Irwin
Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Jay Leno
Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
Stephen Colbert
The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.
Sid Caesar
It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.
Harry Hill
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
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