Funny Quotes – Top 55 Funny and Humorous Quotes that Will Make You Laugh

Are you looking for funny quotes that will make you burst out laughing?

Then you have landed at the correct site!

Here we share several funny quotes that surely will make you laugh.

We have also made a video with some of the best funny quotes. You can check it out below. We also share some great funny quotes with images below the video.

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We would also appreciate it if you comment your favourite quote down below.

Funny Quotes

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!

Billy Connolly

I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names.

Demitri Martin

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

A. A. Milne

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

Dalai Lama

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Alan Dundes

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Abraham Lincoln

Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.

Ralph Bus

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

Albert Einstein

At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Ann Landers

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

Ashleigh Brilliant

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.

Claude Pepper

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.

Betty White

Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

Bob Thaves

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

Charles M. Schul

My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.

Sarah Silverman

Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.

Margaret Culkin Banning

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.

Mark Twain

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Mark Twain

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

Mark Twain

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Mark Twain

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

Agatha Christie

Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.

Mark Twain

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

George Carlin

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Steve MartinJ

Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.

Oscar WildeZ

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.

Stanley Randall

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”

Charles Wadsworth

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Paul Fix

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Henny Youngman

Why do people say “no offense” right before they’re about to offend you?

AnonymousT

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneres

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Fred Allen

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

George Bernard Shaw

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.

George Burns

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Rita Rudner

I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.

Scott Adams

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Robin Williams

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.

Robin Williams

We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.

Robert Fulghum

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Groucho Marx

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.

Oscar Wilde

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

Thomas A. EdisonJ

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

Oscar Wilde

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

Oscar Levant

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.

Si Robertson

A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Walter Bagehot

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

David Letterman

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Milton Berle

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.

Will Ferrell

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.

Zig Ziglar

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

Yogi Berra

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

Will Rogers

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

Walter Matthau

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

Socrates

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Steven Wright

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

Thomas A. Edison

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.

Steven Wright

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

John Barrymore

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

Bob Monkhouse

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.

heodore Roosevelt

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Steven Wright

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin

Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.

Steve Irwin

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Jay Leno

Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.

Stephen Colbert

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

Sid Caesar

It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

Harry Hill

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

George Burns

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Steve Martin


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